Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Desert Dispatch February 2010

Wrong: City Full of Themselves

Dads Are Us Spokesman and Great Britain’s first completely charm-free television host Ian Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong has become the first person in the UK to be banned from making public announcements. This comes after he ignored a full scale irony warning and lambasted Megabucks Laughingstock Manchester City for treating his son as “a mugged up youth player”. Using volume as his main weapon, Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong derided Gary Crook, the chief executive, for not looking after his offspring properly in these dire financial times. “How can he settle and think of the world cup on eighty grand a week” explained the former mastermind, masterchef and masterbate champion. “Being on so little money can erode someone’s confidence. City don’t know what they are doing”. Mr Wrong denied being a lumpen prick saying, “I’m just trying to defend me son’s best interests”.


Bridge Over Troubled Water
Megabucks Maniac Manchester City left back Wayne Bridge yesterday claimed that he would not be prepared to play for England as long as john Cherry-Popper was captain. “How can I play in the same team as the man who has slept with my ex-girlfriend?” Bridge asked himself rhetorically. “This is a torment and I have absolutely so lost all respect for him over this. Although I don’t really play for England, I feel I have to make this statement just for the sake of The Sun, who have very little on the story today. “I don’t expect people to necessarily understand what I’m going through here. Not everyone has to put up with the news that somebody has gone to bed with somebody you used to go to bed with, after all. It’s a shocker.” Fortunately for laughable City, the terrible news did not in any way put Bridge off from playing his usual accomplished role in their 2-1 defeat at Hull at the weekend.


Government to Pass Judgement on Cherry-Popper Crisis
Primeminister Gordon Popular today took the step of calling an emergency plenary sitting of his cabinet to discuss the urgent subject of John Cherry-Popper, the Chelsea captain, who recently climbed into bed with a French girl who used to go out with one of his team mates, Wayne Drudge. “This is obviously a matter of some urgency and the public expect the government to act quickly and with strength and assertion,” said Heidi Warbler of Popular’s press office. “Prime Minister Popular understands the heartbeat of the nation and sees in the Cherry-Popper Question an opportunity to reaffirm his government’s policy of having an iron fist in a velvet glove when it comes to urgent matters of state. Earlier last year Popular made a memorable and incisive intervention in the SuBo crisis, which threatened national security and might have brought down a weaker premier without media skills of the highest order backed up by people who brief him on popular and iconic role model figures in modern British culture. “It could have been a second Suez” said Noel Teaparty at the time. Even earlier, well known anthropologist and daredevil cake maker Janet Street-Walker claimed that she had taken her HP sauce back to tesco’s with a complaint about John Cherry –Popper’s Daddy of the Year award. “Ross ors clearly borth orbsord ornd orbscorne,” she said ”Orwell novor use thors short again”.


Robinho Exclusive “Cruel Man Made Me Run”
Report by Edson de Nascimento Cupcake in the air above Gonzaga Beach

Superstar footballer Robinho has arrived here in the little town of Santos in a helicopter and immediately told of how he had been ordered to run around in the cold and rain by a cruel man with huge thighs whilst in England. Looking well at home in the delicately constructed Vila Belmiro Stadium, Robinho is set to wow the screaming hordes in the capacity 18,000 stadium expected for their tip top crunch matches with Goias and Brauerei, two instantly recognisable reach-for-the-sky teams coming up next in mid-table giants Santos’s busy but humdrum walkabout schedule.


Avram Tramp Blown Away By Attention: “Pompey Will Not Go Limp”, he insists
In a sensational development the wife of Avram Tramp, the sometime Portsmouth manager and well-known personality, has lifted the lid on their open relationship. “Avram is the manager of Portsmouth. He needs to let off steam,” she said from the garden of the family home in Tel Aviv, just a stone’s throw away from the airport, which is just a matter of hours away from Tramp’s flat in st Johns Wood. “We are a very close family, but we don’t live in, or even on, each other’s faces,” she continued from the other end of the Mediteranean sea. Tramp was seen leaving a Sports massage Clinic in Hough End Industrial park, wearing his tracksuit top, in full Portsmouth colours with his initials on the back. He was without trousers on this particular occasion. “I er have been having a little problem with tension after all the bad publicity for my team, what with bankruptcy and one thing and another, also many lost matches of my team,” he explained, “so I thought I might try and get myself a quick blow job to relieve the pressure.”


Wengaboys: We’re Still Going Hard by Simone de Beauvoir in Pimlico
Sizzling sensational coat kicking rumpus seeking Arsenal boss Wengaboys Arsene has come out all guns blazing after his LETHARGIC and WOBBILY team shot themselves in the foot against Manchester utd AND Chelsea. “We are still a very good team indeed,” Wengaboys insisted, “I saw us dominate two big teams this week. In terms of possession alone I thought we deserved much better than what we got. Aesthetically speaking, we could not have been better. Some of the little curvy moves Gael Clichy threw were breathtaking. Anaesthetically speaking, I think maybe some people at the back have already nodded off…”


Some Colours Do Not Exist
MUTV presenter Leonid Brezhnev yesterday claimed that some people in the soviet socialist enclave of Zswampford were suffering from “a form of advanced colour blindness”. It has been emphasised that the colours red, white, black and puce exist, but that the colours green and gold have never existed and never will exist. In Zswampford Technical institute nÂș14 pupils are taught that the word “gold” means “trilby” and that “green” is a word to describe an old man with a bladder ailment.


Toni Terry Terribly Trite
By Pintail Duck In Abu Dibby Dabby
The wife of ex-England captain and well-known socialite John Cherry Popper has broken her silence, claiming to be “ever so upset” that her husband has as yet failed to make a public apology following revelations that he played away more often that Chelsea did. In fact we can reveal that so upset was the petite blonde cum brunette that she HOPPED ON A PLANE TO DUBAI almost straight away. “Toni is shaken up and is sunbathing at present,” said her spokesman, Doreen Fourbobnote. “She has had a very stressful few hours and is having a four week rest away from it all. Here are her mobile numbers she’ll be on the beach around eleven. Please do not intrude on this moment of great debilitating turmoil for too long.” Meanwhile in another different kind of breaking development Tiny troubled Toni Terry’s love rival Vanessa Paradise of Paris St Germain linked up with Brain Trust chairman Lord Horsewhinney to launch a new range of morally wide-at-the hips stretch leggings designed for rapid exit and entry in the steamy confines of a sportsman’s changing rooms.


BREAKING WORLD NEWS: …reuters reporting that Trite Toni Uptight seen smooching on beach with JOHN TERRY!!!!....polkadot bikini changed for turquoise one before heading for illuminated floating beach bar…..TERRY WEARING SANDALS AND ADIDAS FLIPPERS…..couple seen laughing at mobile phone pictures …..


ACHEY BREAKY NEWS from Stamford Bridge
NO HANDSHAKE took place…..hands did not touch….terry left groping at thin air…..Drudge walked straight past… referee was present and aided non shake with ground breaking switch in protocol…..medical staff rushing to scene….many in tears…..others have offered hands….some accepting…..people booing….others shouting….yet others clapping…one asleep and receiving medical attention to wake him up so that he can follow drama…..prime minister Popular expected to make an announcement…kick off delayed…….sirens can be heard…..Ron Harris in tears….Public apology demanded, not clear who from yet…Max Clifford seen circling overhead….smoke emanating from linesman’s shorts…..Cheryl cole’s lip sore explodes…..helicopters landing on pitch…….


Joe Jordan Married Again!!!
By Gideon Lampstand, the Voice of Reason:
Wearing a pink Cossack hat and a Tottenham Hotspurs leotard, Joe Jordan flounced through customs at Heathrow yesterday looking like the dog that went to lick its bottom and found a custard fountain…. Pages 57 – 64 Jordan not wearing his wedding ring already page 78 Jordan Botox Made My Teeth Fall Out.


Rectum To Show Respect by Gunter Grass in Piazza Navona
In a more or less standard development, the uptight, British Bulldog have-a-go-hero, bristly-faced, weenie-eating all-action clothes wearing Dave Rectum today promised not to celebrate a goal that he might or might not score against manchester united in the champions league. “I fink it boils over to respek, really,” Rectum opined in a solid, semi-serious tone, “I fink at the end of the day its respek, fidelulity an like properness. Education education education, as me mam used to say to me”. Meanwhile Rectum’s wife has denied having bunions, saying the paparazzi had inadvertently captured on film a rogue splinter of unfinished doughnut peeping out of her £900 Jimmy Chop Suey plimsoles.


“My Name Is Derek” Out Today
In a filmatic and cinematographic development, the former Manchester united and France legend Derek Cantona has reignited the already dull flames of his thespian career with the dramatic cliffhanger blockbuster romantic comedy spycatcher million dollar art nouveau cinema noir thriller “My Name is Derek”.
In the film, Derek, played by Kerry Kantona, the popular non-smoking kebab eating reality tv singer song writer, befriends a small postman with curly hair called gary nerdy. Nerdy has worshipped Derek all his sad, wretched and spit strewn life and now comes face to face with the mighty Derek at the launch of his new football boot “The Sardinator” © . The story follows conventional lines (they fall in love, try to have a family but find Nerdy is barren, adopt a little Indonesian sunami orphan with a sweet little flat nose, raise him as a mini postman, nerdy has an asthma attack that nearly kills him after hearing he’s been dropped from the morning post run by his boss Massive Forgie, played by Sir Helena Bonham Crater). The catch is left right to the end where the collar-upturned, chest fluffed out pompous beast that is Derek runs away to sea to write poems about shrimps and is forced to sell the lumpen Nerdy to sex slave traffickers in Withenshaw. A must see, especially if you like this kind of thing.
Starring Sir Helena Bonham Crater, Gary Nerdy, Kerry Kantona and Lord Peter Mandelson as the Yeti


Sir Massive: “Reserves did it For Me”
Newly crowned league Cup winners, Manchester united, have their reserves to thank for winning this prestigious title for the second successive year on the trot. As promised, Sir massive stuck to his guns and played a host of teenage wannabes and they did him proud in a masterful and incredibly mature display. Young right back gary nerdy was the pick of the crop ….(continued somewhere else)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Desert Dispatch November 2009

Grog Takes Off On Maiden Voyage
Liverpool superstar forward David Grog has been awarded his pilots licence after a successful practice flight in the Anfield Simulator. “He flew so beautifully, it was felt he could go into the air straight away no?” said manager and Pilsbury Dough man impersonator Rif Rafa Benitez.

Massive Ferguson Hit With Full Force of “FA” Manchester United supremo Sir Massive Ferguson will today be sitting at home in his slippers, with the radio turned up at full volume. The FA have banned him for 7 years for his ungentlemanly comments about Alan Wiley recently. This is an unprecedented punishment, according to Lord Treesloth of the FA, who said later from behind a bush in Gatcombe Park, “This man needs to be put in his place. He needs to be reminded who is in charge of the game in this country. He needs to be given a sharp cuff around the ears. He needs a whole lot of other unmentionable things done to him and I have ordered Ian Whatfor to start doing them immediately, one by one.”

More Fan Chaos For Vassell By Nelly Custard In Ankaragucu

In a development, there have been more chaotic scenes in this pretty, dusty inland Turkish town, which some people around here call the capital city, as Darius Vassell’s exit from his hotel was met with chanting crowds and screaming fans. It is thought that Vassell was forced out of the hotel by club officials on the grounds that he had become “far too popular” with the clubs’ supporters. “Wherever he goes, they turn up and cheer their heads off”, said a club spokesperson yesterday. “He went down the road to buy a sticky, honey-based pastry, a tiny bag of olives (those little green ones) and some goat’s cheese and got a standing ovation, whilst he was rooting around for some change.” Vassell could only say, “I really don’t know what’s going on.”

Man City – This is it
By Gideon Lampstand, The Voice of Reason: My kids will be wearing City blue just as soon as my order comes in the post from the club shop. The blue moon projected onto the crowd, the darkness before kick off, those thunderously noisy supporters. In a tipsy turvy world, I have found new life and inspiration at Eastlands. Call me a late convert if you will, a glory hunter, a turd juggler. I will not flinch, for I have seen the future. This City side, brimful of character and swagger, never-say-die spirit and lungs & legs that go on for ever have won me over. I was sceptical, as was the rest of the world. My journalistic colleagues laughed and I laughed with them. All those draws, all those ugly defenders, all that money wasted on hob knobs and hopscotch. But now look at them, good grief. What a sight for sore eyes! Those sky blue shirts, those proud boys tackling till they drop, those lovely salt of the earth Mancunian supporters. It brings a tear to my eye. I have seen the way ahead and it looks really quite appetizing. Move over Chelsea there’s a new darling on the block and it’s called Manchester City. ► How to become a Manchester City fan – see Pages 57 - 64

POUND FOR POUND ANALYSIS Let’s look at that hapless City midfield in detail for a minute: Robinho: head in Barcelona already, legs gone to sleep, De Jong: headless chicken, would tackle a ford fiesta if you told him to; Ireland - blown out all his muscles: Wright Philips: Small on a large scale, no direction, shooting towards the moon. Barry: Liverpool laughing their keks off. Surprise Verdict: This is a waste of money on a gargantuan scale.

Convinced? Not me!
This Week’s Blog By Peerless Organ
What utter nonsense once again from the Sunday papers! How do these people manage to eek out a living? How do we fall for it time and again? I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that our standards have fallen so low, but it does, every time. I can hardly muster the energy needed to mount my spectacles onto the bridge of my nose and peruse the ghastly rags.
Apparently everybody is beginning to be seduced by this shapeless, classless Manchester City megalith that has hoved into view spewing dollar bills out of its portholes. Well excuse me for heaving overboard but if this is the game’s future, I’ll retire to Bournemouth with a slab of toblerone and a thick blanket under which I can hide every time their muscle-bound manager starts bullying the likes of Arsene Wenger. How can such a n upstanding, erudite and thoroughly placid man end up in a squabble? Mark Hughes is a bully of the first order. The action in that technical area was hot and humid throughout the City – Arsenal cup game where the Emirates cubs gave a great account of themselves.

Respond here :

Gilly, Sawbridgeworth – I’m Chelsea through and through and thought we were well worth a point at least v Man City. They bullied us and stole the points. Cam on Chelsea.

More players Swear Never To Play for City as Crisis Deepens by Dennis Hopper in Chapaquiddick
Manchester City lurched deeper into crisis here last night after the revelation by two more star players that they would never ever play for the richest club in the world. Gary Neville and Frank Stapleton followed the lead taken by Neville’s brother and son of Great Northern visionary Neville Neville, in saying “Despite the obvious attraction of getting a game occasionally, I can swear that I will never ever play for that lot across town. They lack class,” said Neville from behind his golden garden gates at Nevilleland, the mansion he has had built out of pink marble and crystalized poodle faeces.

“Me neither, yuk. No class” – Kaka, Madrid

“I would rather retire” – F. Ribery, Bavaria

The Week’s BIG STORY: Sir Gary Crook THAT APOLOGY IN FULL
“It has occurred to me that somewhere along the line I might have said that our supporters are not the very best quality. Booing at the end of a game is not something I like to hear, but they pay their money and are free to show their feelings in any way they feel appropriate. That’s how we work here at Manchester United and we are proud of being little Red Devils, who wear our hearts on our bright red sleeves”

Bolton To Join The Scottish Premier by Pete Pie in Arbroath

Bolton Wanderers were yesterday admitted to the Scottish premier league. They will take up the place of Hamilton Academicals from the beginning of 2010 – 2011 and few people are expected to notice the difference. Reg Backside, the Bolton chairman and pioneer of this ground-breaking move, was said to be “literally beside himself” last night after the announcement. “We have worked for this result for a number of weeks and this is the culmination of our work. We feel that we can bring something new and fresh to Scotland and have the USP of being a club based in North West England playing against what are essentially Scottish teams. This should make people sit up and take notice of Bolton wanderers as a truly unique brand in the SPL. Plus there’s no way we’ll get relegated from this shower of shite. Look at the fixtures, we’re playing Partick Bloody Thistle and then Motherwell!”

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Victim of great Winona Ryder trouser theft; bitter, confused and maladjusted. Watching City since 1974 with fluctuating amounts of disbelief.

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