Thursday, December 9, 2010

Desert Dispatch: Latest Issue

A historian writes:
A Rich History Of Ballbearings
Mario eyes parked cars
In the calm before a game at Eastlands and sometimes during the first half an hour, one can often hear a pin drop. This is modern football.  One can often find the peace to think about team formations and tactics, why eggs don’t taste the same anymore and how chamelons eyes manage to go right round like that. For as long as Megabucks Bastard Manchester City survive, however, we will also think about mavericks. What would this great, noisy, messy, ex-lovable old club be without the likes of Meredith, Trautmann, Marsh, Bowles, Coleman, Bobby Mac, Morrison, Gaudinho and the great Barry Silkman? From Francis Lee doing pretend belly-flops in front of the referee to illustrate George Best’s cheating to Joe Corrigan demanding the Baseball Ground penalty spot be repainted before a penalty kick was taken, the denizons of Maine Road have had more than their fair share of wacky MCFC moments. And now they have Balotelli, a man who, by his initial antics in and around Manchester, should be expected to fit in just about fine. The man who announced his arrival in England by crashing into a tree, is said to have had a high volume row with the midwife when he was born and does not seem to have looked back since...see page 116 

Culture & Dairy Products – THIS MONTHS BIG ACTION FIST-FIGHTS –  TEN ROUNDS UNLESS STATED – ALL TO BE STAGED AT EASTLANDS OR CARRINGTON OR IN THE PLAYERS’ CARPARK (wherever it kicks off basically)
·        Roberto “The Rock” Mancini versus Carlos “the Jackal” Tevez
·        Mario “Carcrash” Balotelli versus Jerome “Drinks Trolley” Boateng
·        James “Bonehead” Milner versus Yaya “The Mountain” TourĂ© (that’s enough fights –Ed)
Juve's tough guy fashionistas
Fashion & Personal Hygiene Exclusive: Mario Balotelli’s skull & crossbones gloves and snood combo voted tops in GQ poll. Honourable mention for entire Juventus team, who in their match away to lech poznan, appeared en masse wearing gloves, tights, snoods and bobble hats, creating a hitherto unseen phenomenon of an entire starting eleven dressed up as “proper Southern European pansies”. “Of all them,” writes Max Heatherbow of FashionWatch “the blond guy Krasic took the eye, with his wide head band and sea anenome hair poking vertically out the top. This was both cutting edge and amazingly crass at the same time. Top marks for being a tough Serb and an Italian wooftie at the same time!” Commenting on Yaya TourĂ©’s snood, Heatherbow said, “This garment is so big, a family of hobbits could live in it. It casts a shadow for heaven’s sake”.
Travel and Crime Dispatch: WORLD CUP LATEST
Warner. integrity guaranteed
A literate and erudite man, Sir David Beckham cut a lonely figure as he limped through customs at Luton yesterday carrying a family tub of maltesers and a cow bell. So too did David Cameron, Prince William and Dogtanian, the three other members of England’s Four White Kinghts. How had it come to this, they may have been asking themselves. Or even, why did I bother? In the sinister world of FIFA voting, our boys had come up way short in the glad-handing stakes. How had our trusted ambassadors managed to fall so far short of the agreed target? Well, that conundrum can be left with the producers of BBC programme Panorama, as it has now become clear from Mr Jack Warner, described by ambassador Beckham, as “a great man, who could lie through a collander if need be” that bitter English journalists scuppered England’s bid. FIFA Vice president and vice-president Warner claimed “I am a friend of England, especially when we can reduce it to a harmless laughing stock.” The next two World Cups will go to Russia, after FIFA announced stadia and transport networks in Holland, Belgium, Spain, Portugal and England were found to be a little too “elegant, developed, accessible and ready for use” and Qatar, after FIFA revealed there had been widespread worries about excessive summer temperatures in Australia, the US and Korea.  
Page 412 – Read our exclusive guide: How to survive at the Qatari World Cup if you are a gay, pale-skinned, jewish alcoholic.
Hyperbole Section: Rick Ashley Exclusive: How Alan Pardew Can Take Newcastle United Into Europe and Beyond!!!! MAGPIES FINALLY REVEAL THEIR BURSTING AMBITION. Never again will people laugh louder about other teams.
Legal Dispatch – ALWAYS READ THE SMALLPRINT - Contract Details Exclusive: “Balotelli committed to City but Undecided on future. 5 year contract said to run out in January” How does this work exactly? See Trevor Dipthong’s analysis Page 18
A warm welcome to Gorton
House & Home -  This month Steven Ireland shows us his jewell encrusted shark tank and walks us around his three storey hat garage. Also, we follow Alan around cheering our heads off as he  tries to buy a house in Gorton.
Nutrition Dispatch: Food important, say experts, but not in portions like that, thank you very much.

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Victim of great Winona Ryder trouser theft; bitter, confused and maladjusted. Watching City since 1974 with fluctuating amounts of disbelief.

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